Children are a beautiful example to understanding the simplicity of emotion versus the complexity of reaction. Often times children "feel" these emotions and yet have a difficult time maneuvering through the gamete of reactionary possibilities. Children are too often inadvertently taught that their feelings are not right. From the tired toddler who reacts in anger when conflicted about sharing that very special toy. Or the child faced with disappointment (maybe that candy bar didn't make it into the cart this shopping trip) reacts in guttural howling and tears. (All which seem to echo throughout the grocery store sending your blood pressure through the roof). Feeling, happy, sad, angry, hurt etc are all-valid, but how do we teach our children to feel these feelings and react in constructive ways?
The Reggio Emilia approach is built upon the idea that "The child is worthy of being listened to." "Listen, observe, interact, and learn from the child." "Do not place the child in adult-designed or arbitrary time slots of adult management systems." "If the child is misbehaving, find out why, find out what the child is trying to communicate, find out how you can help the child." "Your job as an adult is to help the child communicate his feelings and guide the child toward a positive resolution of the problem.
Here are a few things we have come up with to help us parents navigate through the world of feelings and reaction with our children.
-Create an emotionally safe atmosphere for them. Establish a home and environment that allows feelings to be communicated and acknowledged.
-As soon as verbal communication begins, start with naming feelings. Point out expressions in books, on the television, even on each others faces.
-Have your child declare their emotion, and parents, you do the same. Keep it simple...are you happy, glad, angry, hurt, or sad? Ask them to declare their emotions when you can see clearly they are reacting to a situation? Declare your own to help them see this behavior. When your child states they are feeling angry, or sad or hurt. Tell them you understand that and ask them what you can do to help
-Acknowledge the natural consequences when they happen. Reacting inappropriately often times has it's own built in natural consequence. Timmy hit Sally...Sally doesn't want to play with Timmy any more. These are natural consequences. Be gentle while you talk to your children and illuminate this outcome for them. Create a resolution together and a plan for "next time". "I know you felt very angry with Sally, next time you feel angry what should we do?" Create a plan together so that your child doesn't feel alone with their reaction. That they have someone to help them through it.
Really these tips apply to us all!! In creating this world of accessible and acknowledged expression for our children I think we really open doors for ourselves as well.
Personally, it often feels awkward and a little forced to “declare” my emotions, especially in the heat of the moment. To compose myself and say “That makes me very frustrated when you don’t make your bed in the morning like I ask.” (which is every morning) sounds so much more complicated than getting mad and taking something away.(usually the first thing my eye’s fall upon in the room) However, she still doesn’t make her bed... So clearly this routine is not making the intended impression upon her. But when I walk into he room and see that messy bed...I will be taking that extra moment to compose myself and declare my feelings.
Maybe she’ll start making her bed?
...One step at a time…
One great product we have that I think can be a great tool for our families is Expressions.
A storybook and a set of six expressive wooden eggs offer a role-playing activity to help children identify their feelings.
By sharing their feelings and working together, they find a happy solution. Children read the storybook and role play with six funny egg-shaped friends.
The eggs can stay out and be a tool for identifying our own emotions as well. Leave them within arms reach for younger children to grab and interact with.
Thank, and have a lovely day,
Alexis
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